"The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry."
~ Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell To Arms



"Our lives disconnect and reconnect, we move on, and later we may touch one another, again bounce away. This is the felt shape of a human life, neither simply linear nor wholly disjunctive nor endlessly bifurcating, but rather this bouncey sequence of bumping into's and tumblings apart."
~ Salman Rushdie, The Ground Beneath Her Feet



Friday, December 31, 2010

2010...Reflections... ListeningTo My Life...

"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace." ~ Frederick Buechner

“What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from….We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”

~ T.S. Eliot

“But I have to believe that Jesus prefers honesty to anything else. I was saying, ‘Here’s who I am,’ and that is where most improvement has to begin.” ~ Anne Lamott


I Woke up

Alone

Two trips to Canada

Saw one old friend that I thought I would never see

Graduated with my BA

Started graduate school


“Action are always more complex and nuanced than they seem. We have to be willing to wrestle with paradox to pursue understanding.” ~ Harold Evans via Deb Hirsch


Filed bankruptcy

Started working as a bartender

Moved into my own apartment

Started Bar Church

Fell asleep

Alone



“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ~ Frederick Buechner


Interviewed by NPR

Interviewed by the AP

Met a U.S. Senator

Marched in Duluth to Free the Hikers in Iran

Stayed alive thanks to great friends

Anxiety and depression have been my two companions while loneliness surrounded me

Went to therapy

Started taking celexa

Trazadone to sleep

Lorazapam to relax

And I found out so are many others

Life is hard

Yet…not without joy

Catherine



“Have you wept at anything during this year?

Has your heart beat faster at the sight of a young beauty?

Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?

More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?

Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?

If you answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you’re dead.”
~ Frederick Buechner


Was told I was a horrible husband and father

Was told there was nothing attractive about me

Was told I am a liar

Was told I should not do ministry

Was told that I am a phony

Was told I am too sappy

Was told therapy has done nothing for me

Was told I have wasted a year on myself

Was told finishing my BA has not made me a better person

Was told I am full of myself

Was told that I should be leading no one



Realized the people you meet along the way help you to become who you already are but were afraid to be.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” ~ E.E. Cummings


Was told that my arm is not heavy

Was told I kiss really good

Was told I am a breath of fresh air

Was told I inspire people

Was told that I “…possess a keen mind and acute intellect for theological issues…”

Was told by Abba that, “I am his son, in whom he is well pleased.”

Was told by Jesus, “You have unsurpassable worth to me, I love you, I died for you.”

Was told that I am, “…a gifted thinker and speaker…”

Was told that I am, “…an amazing individual…”

Was told about something I wrote that it, “… is beautiful...you really need to write in the future…”

Was told that I am “…a great friend…”

God told me, “you are my beloved.”



“…the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” ~ Anne Lamott


Performed a wedding ceremony

Drank a lot of beer

Started a blog

Went to a silence retreat



“…pay attention to the world and all that dwells therein and thereby learn at last to pay attention to yourself and all that dwells therein.” ~ Frederick Buechner


Read a lot of books

Journaled

Took pictures

Made new friends

Visited old friends

Learned about who I am

Accepted God’s love

Accepted my own acceptance…some of the time

Experienced grace

Experienced God

Drove a lot of miles

Lived out of my car

Lived with friends



“You’re here to love, and be loved, freely. If you find out next week that you are terminally ill – and we’re all terminally ill on this bus – what will matter are the memories of beauty, that people loved you, and that you loved them.” ~ Anne Lamott


Sat in cafés with friends “as good as spring itself”

Made “poetic memories”

Danced

Had mystical moments

Watched the sun rise

Watched the sun set

Slept till I woke

Went to a couple great movies

Shared meals with friends

Watched while someone died



“…any man’s death, when we are confronted by it, reminds us of our common destiny as human beings: to be born, to live, to struggle a while, and finally to die. We are all of us in it together.” ~ Frederick Buechner


Told someone I loved them

Was told “I love you” by someone

Thought about dying

Learned not to be afraid of living

Cried



“But of this you can be sure. Whenever, you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them in the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.” ~ Frederick Buechner


Laughed

Napped



“Rest and laughter are the most spiritual and subversive acts of all. Laugh, rest, slow down.” ~ Anne Lamott


Thought

Wrote

Was hugged

One hug was better than a thousand others

Held hands



“…we are flesh as well as spirit and that the touch of a hand has its own holiness.” ~ Frederick Buechner


I’ve waited well…some of the time

Been presumptuous other times

Been a hypocrite

Been authentic

Had moments of confusion

Had moments of clarity

Been alone

While surrounded by people

Been in community

While all alone



"The journey is the accumulation of stillness. Patience. Emptiness. The union that I seek is not of my creation. The self I have created impedes union. Stillness must be learned, and the endless time in which I learn it is filled with doubts and desolations. Stillness often feels like abandonment. Why isn't Spirit communicating with me? What have I done to deserve such a stony, cold silence? How do I avoid filling with new terrors the emptiness that terrifies me?" ~ T.S. Eliot


Sat in silence

Drank a lot of coffee

Some wine

Some whiskey

Listened to many stories

Made a difficult phone call



“Jesus…he never approached from on high, but always in the midst, in the midst of people, in the midst of real life and the questions that real life asks.”
~ Frederick Buechner


Listened to old songs

Listened to new songs

Made mistakes

Felt vertigo of the soul



“…vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified we defend ourselves.” ~ Milan Kundera

I’ve sinned

Been forgiven

I’ve been lost

I’ve been found



“When the kingdom really comes, it’s as if the thing you lost and thought you’d never find again is you” ~ Frederick Buechner


Prayed for people

People prayed for me

Heard God’s whispers

Wrote poems

And…there has been…

Darkness

Swirling

Relentless

Fierce

Constricting

Choking

Suffocating

Drowning

Breathless

Darkness



“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing ... not healing, not curing ... that is a friend who cares.” ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen


Was loved by some in both my darkness and my light

Was hated by others

Learned what “3” means



When you experience Jesus through another person how can you ever let that moment go? It is eternal! You are forever connected to that person, that soul, for you have participated, been in communion with the heart of God.

I ached

Ached to be known

I was lonely

I was betrayed

Felt reality collapsing in on me


“…when Jesus was dead and hidden in the tomb, and nothing made sense, and no one knew that he was going to be alive again. Most of his disciples had left Golgotha on Good Friday even before he died; only a few women remained at the cross. The disciples skulked off like dogs to the Upper Room, to wait, depressed and drunk – or at least this is what I imagine. I certainly would have, and I would have been thinking, ‘We are so fucked,’ Father Tom adds that there was a lot of cigarette smoke that night…” ~ Anne Lamott


My heart broke

There was sadness

There was despair

Then hope



“Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” ~ Anne Lamott



I am alive

Light

Love



“Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.” ~ Milan Kundera


I skipped stones

Watched a waterfall

Loved my kids

Known trust

Dreamed

Been...surprised

Awed

Depressed

Defeated

Deflated

Overwhelmed

Scared

Angry

Calm

Peace

Tranquility

Blessed

Happy



“If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.” ~ Anne Lamott


Searched for Trinity’s kiss

And…the journey still goes on…and on...


“He (Jesus) says he is with us on our journeys. He says he has been with us since each of our journeys began. Listen for him. Listen to the sweet and bitter airs of your present and your past for the sound of him.”
~ Frederick Buechner


“If knowing answers to life’s questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowables – of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensables, and most of all, things unfair.” ~ Madame Jeanne Guyon


“…following a God who is very much on the move to unknown places – lead us into uncertainty and eddies and missteps and hardships. On such a journey, we need an actual connection to this God or we’ll be crushed…” ~ Dave Schmelzer


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~ Jesus

Question Of The Week: "The Beach" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Question Of The Week: "The Beach" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Question Of The Week: "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Question Of The Week: "Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Trinity....Grace...Joy....

Where the Imago Dei is, the Father is…
Where the Truth is, the Son is…
Where Life is, the Spirit is…

And where pain and suffering and loss are,
All three are, as there can be no experiencing of the Trinity,
Except through pain, grieve and loss as it is through these, that grace gives way to joy and then to love.


“You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." ~Jesus




Grace means learning to be a fully human being, with all that entails! What in all its meaning it is to be alive, to experience life abundantly. To be able to know when you are dying that you lived! (And we are all dying) You really lived!
To agree with Thoreau, “… to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life…” in every moment that we are given to be alive and know that we are not alone in the living of it – we have our friends, our community of grace all around us.

God knew what he was creating when he made us and then later he intimately experienced what being human is, through Jesus, God becoming man!

He knows, he knows, he knows what we feel – all of what it means to walk on the earth. To feel the ground beneath us, to have rain fall on us and the sun warm our face – he knows.

He also knows suffering and joy, pain, loss and happiness – he laughed and cried, got tired, took a nap and died! He knows!

As Brennan Manning has written, “Jesus expects more failure out of us, than we do…” he knew a Peter that denied him and a Thomas that doubted him and a Judas that betrayed him. But he also knew who each really were and how amazing the grace of his Father is. That is why he came to die, to free us to live the abundant life we all are intended to live – the wide open life that only grace makes possible.


A Dream...



Go to Europe to study,
Contemplate philosophy, theology and life itself.
Teach, think, write, wonder...
Go slow.

Watch the sun rise and set,
Sit near the ocean.
Walk in the mountains,

Sip coffee in a Paris cafe.
Walk amongst the ancient ruins,
Make poetic memories,
And sleep until I wake!



Thursday, December 30, 2010

Question Of The Week: "Franny And Zooey" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Question Of The Week: "Franny And Zooey" - The Daily Dish By Andrew Sullivan

Divine Milieu...Bruce Springsteen - The Promise...



Inside I felt like I was carryin' the broken spirits
Of all the other ones who lost
When the promise is broken you go on living
But it steals something from down in your soul
Like when the truth is spoken and it don't make no difference
Something in your heart goes cold

My Place Today...

At Dunnigans Pub in Two Harbors, Mn drinking a Stella and reading N.T. Wright's, "Surprised By Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church" - excellent book! Highly recommended!

Divine Milieu...Bruce Springsteen - Badlands....



For the ones who had a notion,
a notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin
to be glad you're alive
I wanna find one face
that ain't looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands

Divine Milieu...Bruce Springsteen - Darkness On The Edge Of Town...



Everybody's got a secret Sonny
Something that they just can't face
Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it
They carry it with them every step that they take
Till some day they just cut it loose
Cut it loose or let it drag 'em down
Where no one asks any questions
Or looks too long in your face
In the darkness on the edge of town

Chris Stedman: Just Follow Jesus: Interview with Christian Singer Derek Webb

Chris Stedman: Just Follow Jesus: Interview with Christian Singer Derek Webb

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Grassroots Son Of God - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Grassroots Son Of God - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Bar Church - Christmas Eve Service...

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.

She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests."

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.

When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
















The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
(Luke 2:1-20 TNIV)

Christmas....Freedom....



Freedom…

On December 25 we celebrate the birth of a baby and this has relevance and meaning because of what it has come to symbolize in our imaginations. A day of joy, hope, freedom – a beginning of a life that would end thirty-three years later on a Cross.

This baby, this light, this miracle, God being born to be with us!

Love breaking into the world.

The first chimes of true freedom!

Jesus, the baby born to set all peoples free, as one of his disciples later wrote, “After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb" (Revelation 7:9-10 TNIV).

It is no wonder that Jesus began his ministry by reading this from the book of Isaiah, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor….Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing" (Luke 4:18-19, 21b).

Freedom…

Christmas...Bing Crosby and David Bowie - Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth...

A Henri Nouwen Christmas Sermon: The Spirituality of Waiting | Two Handed Warriors

A Henri Nouwen Christmas Sermon: The Spirituality of Waiting | Two Handed Warriors

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Eucharist...

Eucharist
Emptied, poured out.
Nothing left, deflated, defeated.
Paralysis in giving, in living.

How am I to be filled?
How am I to live?
"I am, I said,
To no one there,
And no one heard,
Not even the chair,
I am, I said."

Poured out like an offering,
A goblet of wine,
Spilled on the offering table.
An emptied chalice,
Bleeding and bled for humanity,
All humanity, the Imago Dei.

The children of Abraham,
Blessed for anothers faith,
Loved for being,
Alive for living,
Filled by grace.
Eucharist

The History Of "Hallelujah" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

The History Of "Hallelujah" - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan

Monday, December 13, 2010

Christmas: U2 – “I Believe In Father Christmas (No Snow)”

A Christmas Juxtaposition: John Lennon - “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)”

“There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.”
~ Galatians 3:28-29 TNIV



“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’ He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’”
~ Revelation 21:4-5a TNIV

Christmas: U2 – “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

Two Poems by William Blake: Thinking About Church in A Pub...

The Little Vagabond ~ William Blake

Dear mother, dear mother, the church is cold,
But the ale-house is healthy and pleasant and warm;
Besides I can tell where I am used well,
Such usage in Heaven will never do well.

But if at the church they would give us some ale,
And a pleasant fire our souls to regale,
We'd sing and we'd pray all the live-long day,
Nor ever once wish from the church to stray.

Then the parson might preach, and drink, and sing,
And we'd be as happy as birds in the spring;
And modest Dame Lurch, who is always at church,
Would not have bandy children, nor fasting, nor birch.

And God, like a father rejoicing to see
His children as pleasant and happy as he,
Would have no more quarrel with the Devil or the barrel,
But kiss him, and give him both drink and apparel.




The Garden of Love ~ William Blake

I laid me down upon a bank,
Where Love lay sleeping;
I heard among the rushes dank
Weeping, weeping.
Then I went to the heath and the wild,
To the thistles and thorns of the waste;
And they told me how they were beguiled,
Driven out, and compelled to the chaste.

I went to the Garden of Love,
And saw what I never had seen;
A Chapel was built in the midst,
Where I used to play on the green.

And the gates of this Chapel were shut
And "Thou shalt not," writ over the door;
So I turned to the Garden of Love
That so many sweet flowers bore.

And I saw it was filled with graves,
And tombstones where flowers should be;
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,
And binding with briars my joys and desires.

"Tent-Makers"

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Poem..."Deep Calls To Deep"

"Deep calls to deep..."
The grayness of the sky,
The coolness of the breaking waves,
The hardness of the shoreline,
The nothingness in the wind,
"Deep calling to deep..."
The brokenness of my being,
The desolation of my soul,
The hunger and emptiness in my heart,
The ache of longing, the pain in sighing,
"Deep calls to deep..."
Who will answer?
Who will sit in silence?
Who will kiss me back to life?
Who is not afraid to walk into darkness?
"Deep calls to deep..."

For A New Friend...Brandi Carlile - Before It Breaks...



Around here it’s the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
Though the color of my coat
Lord help me killing off the cold
Where the raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed
I don’t feel a lot of pain only the lonely
And my quietest friend
Ever the moonlight, have I let you in
Say it ain’t so, say I’m happy again

Say it’s over, say I’m dreamin
Say I’m better than you left me
Say you’re sorry, I can take it
Say you’ll wait, say you won’t
Say you love me, say you don’t
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I’m all right, don’t I always seem to be?
Am I swinging on the stars
Don’t I wear them on my sleeves
But when you’re looking for a crossroads
It happens every day, and whichever way you turn
I‘m gonna turn the other way

Say it’s over, say I’m dreamin
Say I’m better than you left me
Say you’re sorry, I can take it
Say you’ll wait, say you won’t
Say you love me, say you don’t
I can make my own mistakes
And learn to let it bend before it breaks

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Divine Milieu...Bob Seger - Still The Same...



“There you stood, everybody watched you play
I just turned and walked away
I had nothing left to say…”

~ Bob Seger

It Was Time...& It Took All I Had...



“I’m lurching forward in my life again, and it feels as if someone finally cracked open a window that had been jammed.”
~ Anne Lamott





“There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.”

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 The Message


"Is it getting better, or do you feel the same? Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?"
~ Bono




Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Brennan Manning...

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."


"To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means."

"The ragamuffin who sees his life as a voyage of discovery and runs the risk of failure has a better feel for faithfulness than the timid man who hides behind the law and never finds out who he is at all."


A Blessing from Larry Hine…Spiritual Director for Brennan Manning:

May all your expectations be frustrated,
May all your plans be thwarted,
May all your desires be withered into nothingness,
that you may experience the paralysis and poverty of a child,
and sing and dance in the compassion of God
who is Father, Son and Spirit,
Amen and Amen.

Ragamuffin | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

Ragamuffin | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

RELEVANT Magazine - Our Top 10 Books of 2010

RELEVANT Magazine - Our Top 10 Books of 2010

John Lennon...30 Years Gone...Imagine...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Advent: The Silence Is Broken...


“Advent is the season when we remember how Jesus put on flesh and moved into the neighborhood. God getting born in a barn reminds us that God shows up in the most forsaken corners of the earth.”
~ Shane Claiborne, Common Prayer, A Liturgy For Ordinary Radicals

“The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood. We saw the glory with our own eyes, the one-of-a-kind glory, like Father, like Son, Generous inside and out, true from start to finish.”
~ John 1:14 The Message

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Strained faith led to idea of Bar Church | Lake County News Chronicle | Two Harbors, Minnesota

Strained faith led to idea of Bar Church | Lake County News Chronicle | Two Harbors, Minnesota

My First Allegiance ...My Life, My Reality, My Story...

Then Peter spoke up, "We have left everything to follow you!"

"Truly I tell you," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.

But many who are first will be last, and the last first."


~ Mark 10:28-31 TNIV



Who's your brother, who's your sister
You just walked passed him
I think you missed her
As we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'Cause we married in to a family of immigrants

My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
It's to a king & a kingdom

There are two great lies that I’ve heard:
“The day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
And that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
And if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him
But nothing unifies like a common enemy
And we’ve got one, sure as hell But he may be living in your house
He may be raising up your kids
He may be sleeping with your wife
Oh no, he may not look like you think…


~ Derek Webb. A King And A Kingdom

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Place Today...

Dunn Brothers Coffee in Duluth for a few brief moments and a cup of tea...