"Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace." ~ Frederick Buechner
“What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from….We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”
~ T.S. Eliot
“But I have to believe that Jesus prefers honesty to anything else. I was saying, ‘Here’s who I am,’ and that is where most improvement has to begin.” ~ Anne Lamott
I Woke up
Alone
Two trips to Canada
Saw one old friend that I thought I would never see
Graduated with my BA
Started graduate school
“Action are always more complex and nuanced than they seem. We have to be willing to wrestle with paradox to pursue understanding.” ~ Harold Evans via Deb Hirsch
Filed bankruptcy
Started working as a bartender
Moved into my own apartment
Started Bar Church
Fell asleep
Alone
“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Interviewed by NPR
Interviewed by the AP
Met a U.S. Senator
Marched in Duluth to Free the Hikers in Iran
Stayed alive thanks to great friends
Anxiety and depression have been my two companions while loneliness surrounded me
Went to therapy
Started taking celexa
Trazadone to sleep
Lorazapam to relax
And I found out so are many others
Life is hard
Yet…not without joy
Catherine
“Have you wept at anything during this year?
Has your heart beat faster at the sight of a young beauty?
Have you thought seriously about the fact that someday you are going to die?
More often than not do you really listen when people are speaking to you instead of just waiting for your turn to speak?
Is there anybody you know in whose place, if one of you had to suffer great pain, you would volunteer yourself?
If you answer to all or most of these questions is No, the chances are that you’re dead.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Was told I was a horrible husband and father
Was told there was nothing attractive about me
Was told I am a liar
Was told I should not do ministry
Was told that I am a phony
Was told I am too sappy
Was told therapy has done nothing for me
Was told I have wasted a year on myself
Was told finishing my BA has not made me a better person
Was told I am full of myself
Was told that I should be leading no one
Realized the people you meet along the way help you to become who you already are but were afraid to be.
“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” ~ E.E. Cummings
Was told that my arm is not heavy
Was told I kiss really good
Was told I am a breath of fresh air
Was told I inspire people
Was told that I “…possess a keen mind and acute intellect for theological issues…”
Was told by Abba that, “I am his son, in whom he is well pleased.”
Was told by Jesus, “You have unsurpassable worth to me, I love you, I died for you.”
Was told that I am, “…a gifted thinker and speaker…”
Was told that I am, “…an amazing individual…”
Was told about something I wrote that it, “… is beautiful...you really need to write in the future…”
Was told that I am “…a great friend…”
God told me, “you are my beloved.”
“…the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.” ~ Anne Lamott
Performed a wedding ceremony
Drank a lot of beer
Started a blog
Went to a silence retreat
“…pay attention to the world and all that dwells therein and thereby learn at last to pay attention to yourself and all that dwells therein.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Read a lot of books
Journaled
Took pictures
Made new friends
Visited old friends
Learned about who I am
Accepted God’s love
Accepted my own acceptance…some of the time
Experienced grace
Experienced God
Drove a lot of miles
Lived out of my car
Lived with friends
“You’re here to love, and be loved, freely. If you find out next week that you are terminally ill – and we’re all terminally ill on this bus – what will matter are the memories of beauty, that people loved you, and that you loved them.” ~ Anne Lamott
Sat in cafés with friends “as good as spring itself”
Made “poetic memories”
Danced
Had mystical moments
Watched the sun rise
Watched the sun set
Slept till I woke
Went to a couple great movies
Shared meals with friends
Watched while someone died
“…any man’s death, when we are confronted by it, reminds us of our common destiny as human beings: to be born, to live, to struggle a while, and finally to die. We are all of us in it together.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Told someone I loved them
Was told “I love you” by someone
Thought about dying
Learned not to be afraid of living
Cried
“But of this you can be sure. Whenever, you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them in the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Laughed
Napped
“Rest and laughter are the most spiritual and subversive acts of all. Laugh, rest, slow down.” ~ Anne Lamott
Thought
Wrote
Was hugged
One hug was better than a thousand others
Held hands
“…we are flesh as well as spirit and that the touch of a hand has its own holiness.” ~ Frederick Buechner
I’ve waited well…some of the time
Been presumptuous other times
Been a hypocrite
Been authentic
Had moments of confusion
Had moments of clarity
Been alone
While surrounded by people
Been in community
While all alone
"The journey is the accumulation of stillness. Patience. Emptiness. The union that I seek is not of my creation. The self I have created impedes union. Stillness must be learned, and the endless time in which I learn it is filled with doubts and desolations. Stillness often feels like abandonment. Why isn't Spirit communicating with me? What have I done to deserve such a stony, cold silence? How do I avoid filling with new terrors the emptiness that terrifies me?" ~ T.S. Eliot
Sat in silence
Drank a lot of coffee
Some wine
Some whiskey
Listened to many stories
Made a difficult phone call
“Jesus…he never approached from on high, but always in the midst, in the midst of people, in the midst of real life and the questions that real life asks.” ~ Frederick Buechner
Listened to old songs
Listened to new songs
Made mistakes
Felt vertigo of the soul
“…vertigo is something other than the fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified we defend ourselves.” ~ Milan Kundera
I’ve sinned
Been forgiven
I’ve been lost
I’ve been found
“When the kingdom really comes, it’s as if the thing you lost and thought you’d never find again is you” ~ Frederick Buechner
Prayed for people
People prayed for me
Heard God’s whispers
Wrote poems
And…there has been…
Darkness
Swirling
Relentless
Fierce
Constricting
Choking
Suffocating
Drowning
Breathless
Darkness
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing ... not healing, not curing ... that is a friend who cares.” ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen
Was loved by some in both my darkness and my light
Was hated by others
Learned what “3” means
When you experience Jesus through another person how can you ever let that moment go? It is eternal! You are forever connected to that person, that soul, for you have participated, been in communion with the heart of God.
I ached
Ached to be known
I was lonely
I was betrayed
Felt reality collapsing in on me
“…when Jesus was dead and hidden in the tomb, and nothing made sense, and no one knew that he was going to be alive again. Most of his disciples had left Golgotha on Good Friday even before he died; only a few women remained at the cross. The disciples skulked off like dogs to the Upper Room, to wait, depressed and drunk – or at least this is what I imagine. I certainly would have, and I would have been thinking, ‘We are so fucked,’ Father Tom adds that there was a lot of cigarette smoke that night…” ~ Anne Lamott
My heart broke
There was sadness
There was despair
Then hope
“Hope is not about proving anything. It’s about choosing to believe this one thing, that love is bigger than any grim, bleak shit anyone can throw at us.” ~ Anne Lamott
I am alive
Light
Love
“Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.” ~ Milan Kundera
I skipped stones
Watched a waterfall
Loved my kids
Known trust
Dreamed
Been...surprised
Awed
Depressed
Defeated
Deflated
Overwhelmed
Scared
Angry
Calm
Peace
Tranquility
Blessed
Happy
“If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.” ~ Anne Lamott
Searched for Trinity’s kiss
And…the journey still goes on…and on...
“He (Jesus) says he is with us on our journeys. He says he has been with us since each of our journeys began. Listen for him. Listen to the sweet and bitter airs of your present and your past for the sound of him.”
~ Frederick Buechner
“If knowing answers to life’s questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowables – of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensables, and most of all, things unfair.” ~ Madame Jeanne Guyon
“…following a God who is very much on the move to unknown places – lead us into uncertainty and eddies and missteps and hardships. On such a journey, we need an actual connection to this God or we’ll be crushed…” ~ Dave Schmelzer
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~ Jesus
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