I found something today on a blog I look at from time to time, Pursuing Happiness (http://thisnakedlunch.tumblr.com). There was no author attached to what was written but the words are amazing to me.
I know I am difficult and complicated to be around and my moods shift and I isolate and hide myself - even from those who are the closest to me. I believe the words I found today must be how those close to me feel. I have heard similar sentiments expressed to me or attempted to be expressed to me. The thing is I don't believe I can be different from who I am. It has taken me so long now to know who it is I am and to begin to be okay with myself. Many times I wish I were different but then I wouldn't be me and then I would be a lie.
Anyone close to me please try to understand it is not that I dislike you or not love you or not appreciate you. I assure you, I do. It is just me who has to escape and recharge and be distant at times. It must be very frustrating to watch me leave into myself. It frustrates me at times. Yet, it is what allows me to be me.
Here are the words I found today:
How to love your depressed lover?
Last night I thought I kissed the loneliness from out your belly button. I thought I did, but later you sat up, all bones and restless hands, and told me there is a knot in your body that I cannot undo. I never know what to say to these things. "It’s okay." "Come back to bed." "Please don’t go away again." Sometimes you are gone for days at a time and it is all I can do not to call the police, file a missing person’s report, even though you are right there, still sleeping next to me in bed. But your eyes are like an empty house in winter: lights left on to scare away intruders. Except in this case I am the intruder and you are already locked up so tight that no one could possibly jimmy their way in. Last night I thought I gave you a reason not to be so sad when I held your body like a high note and we both trembled from the effort.
Some people, though, are sad against all reason, all sensibility, all love. I know better now. I know what to say to the things you admit to me in the dark, all bones and restless hands. “It’s okay.” “You can stay in bed.” “Please come back to me again."
Maybe all these words I found today are saying is I need space to breath till I am okay to venture out of myself again.
"In this life we're delivered from shame, guilt, and fear by God's forgiving love; there is substantial improvement, but there's no complete healing. We were born with broken hearts, and some sense of that brokenness will be with us throughout our days on earth. We will never quite be whole. There will always be some measure of inner pain that will coexist with our joy and peace, some vague longing--homesickness--that will linger until we get home. We are satisfied here, but never content." from David Roper's book.......Every Day is a New Shade of Blue.
ReplyDeleteThank you Chris, for sharing with us and we love you.