Ah…sometimes I think everything is so wrong in my life. That
there has been a series of mis-steps, mistakes and wrong turns. I hate how I
feel most of the time – lost and empty and alone. I keep asking God – is the
direction I am going in really the direction I am suppose to be going? Or have
I gotten something terrible wrong? Gone in a wrong direction on a meandering
path of meaningless and confusion?
I am broke (literally broke/without money), divorced,
lonely, tired, depressed, and I do not know where my life is going and all this
is very disorienting and frustrating. Unfortunately, nothing has been able to
take these things, these feelings away. Not alcohol, pills, travel, women,
running, friends, family, music, school, God, blogging, journaling, writing,
reading…no nothing. At the end of the day it is still me lying in bed alone in
the dark and not able to sleep - surrounded and enveloped with darkness and
silence.
I am still in love with Patti and I don’t know why – is that
wrong or strange? I have people tell me I should be over her, move on but I
think about her, I think about being at home with her and the kids and when I
do I cry. How do you forget, stop loving, and move on from the mother of your
children, the women you thought you were going to grow old with, the one you
slept next to for most of your life?
What does all this mean? Is there anyone out there that can
answer my questions? When does the pain stop – when do the memories go away?
This is not what I expected, what I wanted my life to be like and I am trapped
and can’t get out of what is going on around and inside of me.
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I would go to a bar and have a drink if I knew that there
would be someone there to talk to. To go
and sit alone, drink and carry on a conversation in my head is too damn
depressing. So I sit here alone and write…not much different I guess.
Just went out and bought a bottle of wine – perhaps having a
few glasses will help; at least it will help me sleep tonight. At least I hope
so. I would rather fall asleep next to someone and wake up and drink a cup of
coffee with someone.
Fuck – I’d like to be drinking this wine with someone.
The thing is this, what I have been feeling has been going
on for almost three years! Sure, there have been times that it has been better
and worse – it is vertigo of the soul, liminal space, the confusing in-betweens
and sadness and joy and all the emotions here and there, now and then. Maybe I
am to honest, writing though might be a bewildering catharsis – it is not like
I have to impress anyone. No one is beating down my door to be with me, what do
I have to lose in being brutally authentic? If anyone doesn’t like me for who I
am then why would I want to let them into my heart?
Oh God…help, help, help…
for what it's worth, brother, you are loved and held even though you can't feel it right now. and there are those who are lifting you up to the one who can and does better than any other.
ReplyDeleterest, if you can.
grace and peace to you.
and in the words of a wise, ridiculous man who knows from whence he speaks, "grace makes beauty out of ugly things." and shitty things. rest. rest. breathe. peace. grace.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time and are so sad. May I sugguest to you to come to our Father God in prayer with the words "Thank You Father" thank you for knowing me better than I know myself, thank you that only You Father can deal with my trial, my anxious thoughts. Thank you for letting me put my horrible situation in Your hands with the assurance You are sufficient. Jesus always came to His Father with the words thank you. He never used please. The word please is a tenuous word & expresses uncertainty...the words thank you expresses quiet confidence of faith & demonstrates our dependency on our Father God. This is not a formula to get what we want, because we cannot prescribe to God what He should do. It does not mean everything will go smoothly for us, we trust Him to make things go according to His plan & purpose. Of course I have not walked in your shoes, but I also pray to my Father in heaven, thanking Him that He will be with you in your every need, He knows our hearts & He listens to us. Remember always put Him "first" before everything else, thanking Him that you will be filled with His Spirit. He wants to give us all a fresh start, but we must let Him be in charge. How I wish we could be together to chat, but I continue to thank our Father that there will be that someone who will be there for you in time. We must thank God that we will be able to relate our needs to Jesus not ourselves, we lose sleep when we relate the issues to ourselves. Our strength lies only in God. Thank You Father in heaven, that you will be with Chris in his time of trial, bring to his remembrance the words of David, " The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want...." Thank you for loving him perfectly, you have given him everything he needs through Jesus his Saviour.
ReplyDelete