Empty - "...exquisite fragility..."

“All those nights I laid with my eyes closed
But not sleeping at all
Those nights
I thought I knew which way the wind blows
But now it's blowing me back to you
And the wind speaks French too…”

~R. Cash

 (Rosanne Cash, Sleeping In Paris)

I feel scared today. Different from how I felt before - scared of the future, scared of moving forward. Simply scared and alone - a dissonance, emptiness, separation and this scares me. I don’t like being alone – it is the “exquisite fragility” William Styron wrote of that has become acute. So...

I am empty

Sometimes there is nothing at all

I sit and stare at a blank page

I am the blank page

All the inspiration is gone and I am empty

The words are somewhere lost

I feel abandoned by the muse

 And God

Languishing and anxious the day creeps into night

My mind is a foggy haze

Every noise and movement a distraction

Away from everything I try to do

The cure to this eludes me

So I sit

And sit

 And stare out a window

Nothing comes so I sigh and relinquish my motivation

Maybe time will advance and the fog will lift

A wave of sadness rolls over me out of nowhere

The rogue waves of emotions that have no warning

Batter and bounce my body and I lose equilibrium

I falter and fall

To the ground

Unable to move from the floor

My chest is heavy and tight and each breath is an effort

Pain aches in both my body and soul now

Wave upon wave of dislocation and desperation

I am empty

 

(Bruce Springsteen, Downbound Train)

**paintings are by Mark Rothko