The cup is empty tonight. I am empty tonight. I don’t even know what to write…am I to blame for it all? Am I really so horrible? Is the path I have chosen empty and desolate? Am I a hypocrite, playing some fiction, messing with reality to make myself feel better – is all what I believed simply a grand illusion, a detour into desperation?
Has taking the “red pill” been worth all the pain, is seeing “how deep the rabbit hole goes” really worth all of the suffering? When does the existential angst dissipate? The doubts evaporate and the questioning cease? The “why” answered?
What is the truth? What is real? What is love? Why does any of it really matter anyway? It is all just so fucked up!
Sorry, that there isn’t much grace here tonight, but I did say that the cup is empty. I am merely being honest. I am angry, I am frustrated, and I am tired, I am worn out. Life is too difficult and too hard at times, in moments like this…so I am being real. I really believe that God is more into honesty and he can handle all our crap and knows us and what we are. David knew that, look at the psalms! Being human is messy!
Tonight, I wish I was in a room with my best old friends and my best new friends, laughing and crying and drinking a lot – to be with wonderful people that I cherish and that cherish me simply because of who we are – not for what we do or any pretense of anything. Together because we care and love each other and are honest about life and we trust each other to be all these things. There is grace in that – there is life in that. I love my friends and family “that are as good as spring itself” – I wish some of you were with me right now.
As one dear friend told me over and over this summer, “the sun will rise, and you never know what will happen” – the only thing is that, the sunrise seems a long way off at times…
Your family is always with you - draw your strength from that if you can. Never let darkness envelope you when you know that the sun will rise again tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Aunt Carol
We will always care about you , Chris! Many other family members do, as do all of your true friends! We wish you lived closer..... to give you strength and support. Don't despair. Love and hugs from Aunt Julie and Uncle Michael.
ReplyDeleteHere are lyrics from one of my favorite singers - Sarah Mclachlan called ORDINARY MIRACLE - I hope these lyrics will help to put things in perspective
ReplyDeleteIt's not that unusual when everything is beautiful
It's just another ordinary miracle today
The sky knows when it's time to snow
Don't need to teach a seed to grow
It's just another ordinary miracle today
Life is like a gift they say, wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way to give some of your own
Isn't it remarkable like every time a raindrop falls
It's just another ordinary miracle today
Birds and winter have their fling but always make it home by spring
It's just another ordinary miracle today
When you wake up every day please don't throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart cause we are all a part of the ordinary miracle
Ordinary miracle, do you wanna see a miracle?
It seems so exceptional that things just work out after all
It's just another ordinary miracle today
The sun comes up and shines so bright and disappears again at night
It's just another ordinary miracle today.
I love those lyrics and I hope they can inspire you
Love,
Aunt Carol
Mom & Dad love you, your children love you, and
ReplyDeleteas you can see your extended family loves you.
And your Father in heaven loves you beyond your
understanding,
We are praying that God will bless you with His courage to go on even when you think you can't.
Even if everything is looking hopeless and your
heart is broken. This is faith, (God always
holds you up)The worst thing is never the last
thing. There is always something better,
A quote from a book called "The Heart of Jerusalem"
This was said to a man who had lost his entire
family in the war between the Jews & Arabs.
"Until you can love someone again, more than
yourself..you can't get out of the (cage)
Real courage is not in dying bravely but in
living bravely...loving someone else"
God has important things for us to do. We have
to let the fire of pain purify us. Like gold,
God skims off the scum & examines our hearts & finally sees His own face reflected in us.
It makes me
think of your friend Mark, he had to
wait for the right time for Robyn to come
along. Your kindred spirit is out there, don't
let your emotions control you Chris.
Time is precious, life too valuable to be wasted and not because of unachieved accomplishments but for the opportunties that love is there
for you and others.
Let faith, hope and love take root in your heart
and you will be singing
with even the worst
sufffering. And then you begin to believe there
is going to be a happy ending. No matter how hard life may be. Meanwhile, one day you will find someone else who needs to hear your story. Someone who knows you made it through. And something beautiful will grow where there was only the abyss. Your heart will become like
Christ's heart. You will understand something
about His suffering and God's great love for
the world.
Yes look at David's life and he was a man after
God's own heart. Let the past go, and let what
God has in store for you a source of excitement
and wondering. You may read a lot of books and
hear a lot of words, but remember your answer
is in the one book of life.
I wish you were here with us now, so you could pour
your heart out and we could hold you. Our
Saviour's arms are around you, He knows you better
then yourself, don't let doubt creep in.
When you ask these questions about life, love
etc. you have the facts, now you have to
have faith (trust God) and then the emotions
are there, I think you are letting your emotions
come first at certain times, like we all
do, and this is what makes it so difficult
for us. None of us are living in perfect love or
happiness, but God's presence strengthens us
to keep us going, don't let the voices of doubt
win, remember.."those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, the wings of surrender & trust.
Don't stay down, rise up and continue your journey. We love you with all of our heart
and maybe phone calls would be better when we
could hear each others voices and hear the
words of love spoken. We love you so much..mom