It Is True...

“Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.” ~ Samuel Beckett

“…an immense and aching solitude.” ~ William Styron

Do I take a pill to alter my mind’s chemistry and not feel or not swallow it and feel the intense pain well up inside of me? What is real?

“My gentle and mild being through thy ruthless fury
has turned into a raging hell that is not from here.
Quite pure, quite free of future planning, I mounted
the tangled funeral pyre built for my suffering,
so sure of nothing more to buy for future needs,
while in my heart the stored reserves kept silent.”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

(Mark Rothko)

It is true

All of it

Everything she said to me

Anyone who really knew me would hate me:

I am a horrible husband

I am a horrible father

I am moody

I am depressed

(Mark Rothko)

I am awful

I caused her to find someone else

I am following a wrong empty path

I am lazy

I am unlikable

I am a mess

I am a burden

I am unkind

I am selfish

I am

Lost...

Floating on an ethereal sea of emptiness

Into a dark cavernous void

I want to shut my eyes and never wake

Reality is too cruel a friend

An abyss of loathing contempt

I sink as into a pit of quicksand

Suffocating and pulling me deeper

Into blackness

And death

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.”

~ Albert Camus, Myth of Sisyphus