Last week I posted the video of Brandi Carlile singing the Radiohead song “Creep” as the song gave meaning and expression to what I was feeling or experiencing that night, at that particular moment of my journey. This morning I read the comments that my brother Patrick made on the song – I love what he wrote. So I thought I would repost it as it gives great insight into suffering, and movement, and hope in what can and will be possible in light of the lyrics to the song. This part of what Patrick wrote, “I see questioning in the song as an action, a wiggle of the mind to free itself from the ice….” is an apt description of what it means to be moving forward and particularly meaningful to me. It reminded me of a few comments by Anne Lamott, “I’m lurching forward in my life again, and it feels as if someone finally cracked open a window that had been jammed…” and “But I have to believe that Jesus prefers honesty to anything else. I was saying, ‘Here’s who I am,’ and that is where most improvement has to begin…” and “If you have a body, you are entitled to the full range of feelings. It comes with the package.” Being human, real, authentic and all that encompasses and means is what it is to be alive, to have passionate vitality, to be able to speak to the human condition and see the flickering of the, “…the first piece of tinder that will eventually flame into hope and action.” Here are the lyrics to the song and Patrick’s comments:
"Creep” by Radiohead:
When you were here before,
I couldn't look you in the eye,
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry;
You float like a feather,
On a beautiful world,
Your so very special,
I wish I was special;
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here;
I don't care if it hurts,
Because I wanna have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul;
I want you to notice,
When I'm not around,
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish I was special;
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here,
She's running out again,
She's running,
She runs runs runs runs...
Runs...
Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want,
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special;
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here,
I don't belong here...
Comments on “Creep” by Patrick Fletcher
Great song Chris. I love the question, ‘What the hell am I doing here?’ and the realization ‘I don't belong here’. On the surface this seems like an expression of hopelessness, but I see it as the first piece of tinder that will eventually flame into hope and action. But it is clear that the song is a dirge full of suffering.
To come to the realization that one is a ‘creep’ a ‘weirdo’ is painful. Suffering is not a simple phenomenon, it’s multifaceted. Paul Ricoeur offers this appraisal, ‘[s]uffering is not defined solely by physical pain, nor even by mental pain, but by the reduction, even the destruction, of the capacity for acting, of being-able-to-act.’ Dante captures this realization in his Inferno when he describes both Satan and the sinners who occupy the 9th circle of hell as being frozen in ice. Immobility is ultimate suffering.
There are no simple answers to solve the problem of suffering, but I think in the song there are hints of how to proceed. I see questioning in the song as an action, a wiggle of the mind to free itself from the ice. ‘What the hell am I doing here?', is really the same as, Why am I in hell? The realization ‘I don’t belong here’ is the start of a thawing which will make more movement possible. It will lead to another question: If I don’t belong here, where do I belong? And this question is the beginning of hope; hope that there is a place that we can belong, and the start of a quest to find a place to dwell in peaceful activity.
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