Depression Notes - August 17, 2012...

The hours of light come to an end when the ever impending darkness and its ubiquitous opaqueness arrive. It is then when each movement is hard. My bed is home and sleeping my escape from the drudgery of existence. To accomplish any task no matter how simple or brief is an exhausting endeavor - to respond to an e-mail or make a piece of toast seems as insurmountable as scaling Mt. Everest.

I read sometimes about depression and find it amusing in a twisted sort of way to come across the lists of possible causes or triggers of a depressive episode, or chronic depression – things such as these under the description of stressful life events:

- Divorce

- Financial issues

- Loss of a job

- Finding out your partner was having an affair

- Sleeping problems 

- Stress

So, I look at this list and wonder about one of the things being enough to trigger a depressive episode and realize all have happened to me and several not of my doing, my choice, but as a psychological shock to my being. Unexpected loss and catastrophic disappointment have conspired to catapult my mind and body into the stratosphere of despair.

One thing I particular love to hear, especially from people who think they really care is, “why don’t you just snap out of it?” I think, wow! Why haven’t I thought of that – just snap out of it – as if it is like turning off a light switch – simple as that! A comment like, “just snap out of it” is an ignorant assumption on behalf of the person making it that the person with depression is somehow enjoying being depressed. As if it is like winning the lottery or going on a fabulous vacation – ya, woo hoo! I’m depressed and feel useless, worthless, feel like dying, have no energy, would like to do so many things but can’t – ya, this is great! I think I will do whatever I can to never feel good again. Hearing just snap out of it from the person you thought loved you and precipitated the series of events which emotionally crippled you is even more special and inspiring.

Then I realize - yes!

I am alone and fuck the world!

Each morning somehow I manage to get out of bed and find the pill bottle with the magic elixir that is suppose to help the chemicals in my body find equilibrium again - I take one dutifully.

Then I make some coffee and stumble outside into the sunshine all the while the only thought going through my brain is how soon till I can go back to sleep.